Why Being Too Nice Is Hurting You in your business
Are you searching for ways to stop people-pleasing in your business?
I want to start somewhere that might surprise you - with a distinction, rather than a strategy.
I've been working with what I call Good Girl conditioning (or ‘niceness’) for years.
First in my own life, as someone who has spent a long time studying what it means to live with integrity, presence, and truth through Buddhist practice.
And then with the women I work with: coaches, therapists, healers, and practitioners who are skilled and soul-led, and yet so often still end up twisting themselves into shapes that don't fit them.
The problem I unearthed isn't a lack of tips on boundaries or assertiveness techniques. It's a much deeper misunderstanding about what 'being good' actually means.
Why people-pleasing in business is hard to spot
People-pleasing in business looks like professionalism on the surface.
Flexibility. Being easy to work with.
Saying yes to the client who asks for one more thing.
Undercharging because you don't want to seem difficult.
Staying quiet in a meeting because you don't want to rock the boat.
Because these are things you've been praised for your whole life, that's what makes them so hard to spot.
Niceness is not kindness
This is a really great reframe when starting to work with patterns of being too nice.
As women we are taught to be people-pleasing, accommodating, and to stay small in order to survive in the world. I call this ‘niceness’.
We are taught that this is good and that we are good, worthy women for it. This is BS.
But niceness is not kindness.
It’s not kind for SO many reasons.
Here are some:
It’s based on a lie. It stems from the idea that you are less valuable than others. That their comfort, wellbeing and preferences are more important than your own. It doesn’t recognise the truth of your equal worth. It stems from and perpetuates the lie that you are ‘less than’.
You have to deny/disconnect from your own needs and desires in order to be nice. Which at best leaves you deeply undernourished and exhausted, and at worst is so profound that you end up having no idea who you are or what you want.
It doesn’t have choice in it. You aren’t choosing to put other people first, it’s all you’ve been taught/know how to do. If you can’t say no, you can’t truly say yes. That means what is given is not offered freely and leads to building frustration and resentment.
You’re being dishonest. Because you’ve learnt to get your needs met through relationships. Being nice keeps you showing up as the version of ‘you’ that you think other people want, rather than as who you truly are. You don’t say what you really think, you’re unable to challenge or share of yourself fully. This is a loss to you, the other person and the intimacy of the relationship.
I could go on...
This is strong medicine, but essential for seeing through the lies we have embodied.
Go gently with it. No blame/shame.
Ask yourself regularly:
Am I seeing myself as equal here?
Am I in touch with my needs?
Can I say no to this?
Am I being honest?
Is this nice or kind?
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the root cause of people-pleasing?
Conditioning. Specifically, the version most women receive from childhood onwards that being accommodating, agreeable, and small is what makes you good, worthy, and safe.
I call this Good Girl conditioning.
It's a survival strategy that used to make sense and is now costing you dearly.
How to break being a people-pleaser?
Not with boundaries scripts or assertiveness techniques, although those have their place.
The deeper work is learning to see yourself as equal.
People-pleasing is rooted in the unconscious belief that other people's comfort matters more than yours. When that belief starts to shift, the behaviour follows.
Start by asking yourself regularly: am I seeing myself as equal here? Am I in touch with what I actually need?
Do people pleasers have low self-esteem?
Often, yes - but it's more specific than that.
People-pleasing is rooted in believing that you are less valuable than others. That their wellbeing, preferences, and comfort take precedence over your own.
That's not low self-esteem in a general sense. It's a specific learned hierarchy that was handed to you - usually very early in childhood, and usually by a culture that benefits from women staying small.
What are the characteristics of a people-pleaser?
Saying yes when you mean no.
Twisting yourself into shapes that don't fit you.
Showing up as the version of yourself you think others want, rather than who you actually are.
Feeling exhausted and resentful, but not quite sure why, because on paper you're just being helpful.
Everything you give is given under constraint, not freely.
Want to go deeper?
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